Land of the Dragon: The night china shot down Santa. Sort-of.

Pre-Party Planning:

This last Saturday I attended my first Christmas party in China. It all started two weeks ago when the head of our English Language department sent an email to Max, Tyler and me asking us if we would be interested in attending a Christmas party thrown by the catholic based charity organization “Jinde Charities”, of which he is apparently a volunteer. Originally in this email he also asked what we would be able to do on stage. Apparently last year Lyn (a Drake student) and Leo (another foreign teacher at our school) sang a Christmas song which was apparently the highlight of the night [click here to watch on YouTube]. He was obviously pushing us to try and do the same. The only difference is Leo came to China to sing professionally, so he is actually really good. I myself am not down with the whole “white dancing monkey” routine. I’m okay when the school exploits my race in small gatherings, like lunches and dinners, but this was a whole other level. Plus it wasn’t even University related! Nevertheless I decided to go. See, I actually like James. He is always friendly when he sees me, asking if I need help with anything and reminding me to call or email him when I need something. He can get things done in a timely fashion... like no other foreign language official I’ve met. Plus, he seems to at least understand when I freak about things such as imputing grades. The best part is he pretends to understand and care, even if he doesn’t, pretending is good enough for me.

So I sent him an email, confirming we would all be going even though we have no discernible talents, we would like him to find other jobs for us to do so that we can help in exchange for our dinner. I was expecting something like greeting people as they walked in, the email I got back suggested something different entirely.

(1) Leo will sing a song in the party. He and Lyn were the stars of the previous party, and this year he will continue to shine.
(2) Tyler is tall, and he may dress up as a Santa Claus. Then we will have the first "real" Santa Claus from the West in Shijiazhuang.
(3) Max can serve as one of the hosts of the ceremony, and he can show off his Beijing Dialect. I'll try to help Max to eliminate any "Lao Wai" accent so that he can surprise the audience.
(4) Lauren may take my son to sell the lottery for the party. Who will refuse a foreign lady "marched ten thousand miles to China" (bu yuan wan li lai dao zhong guo） to help the poor? Especially she's accompanied by an extremely handsome small boy. By the way, is Lauren Irish? The Irish ambassador and his wife will surely be happy to see two Irish people from U.S.

Please do bring your friends with you, and the Chinese priests and nuns will be encouraged that their work are appreciated by people all over the world. Thanks again.

Best regards
James

So, Tyler was to be Santa, Max was supposed to transform himself into a Chine MC, and I was to be a glorified baby sitter and ticket seller. Also, how did he pick up on me being of Irish descent and not Tyler? It’s a Christmas mystery.

We Arrive

So Saturday rolls around and I grab a taxi to pick up Max at middle campus. Tyler was to meet us at the event as he had an English competition to judge. We arrive at the MASSIVE banquet hall building just as James is getting out of a taxi. So he takes us in, and apparently other than the rehearsing acts we are the first ones to arrive. Of course everyone wants a picture and so we take pictures, and then meet the priests. James informs me is baptized catholic, and many of priests have been educated in America so they speak good English. I’m not too excited about this, non-English speaking Chinese people are my favorites… mostly because I can talk about anything in front of them and they have no clue what’s happening. He sits us front and middle at neighboring tables as we get our ears blown out by a petit woman belting Chinese opera into a microphone.

Side note:
I have to say that I truly believe the man working sound, has never before in his life seen a sound board. The overall levels were too high, you couldn’t hear the choir singing over the keyboard, and at one point mid way through the “talent show” he apparently couldn’t figure out which sliders were the host’s microphones because they were talking with no audio for about 3 minutes. I later saw the soundboard… it only had about 10 volume controls on it… and they were color coordinated with the microphone rings… but back to my story.

Christmas is not about Santa, it is about Jesus!

So Max and I got to see them testing the lights and sound and such. Then it happened. What I’m guessing was supposed to be an introduction to the night in a short animated flash movie. The first time it played I completely missed it, but my attention was caught by the sound of a digital gunshot so I turned to look at the screen. It played, in its entirety, about 5 times (long enough for me to dig my phone out to record it) and then the man at the computer began replaying just the part where… THEY SHOOT DOWN SANTA. Luckily, I got it on film.

I was surprised to see this. Mostly because I know guns are illegal in china, but also because my students (who I have discussed gun rights in America with) seem to be absolutely terrified of them. As an example, Tyler showed the film Romeo+Juliet in one of his classes and a student actually asked him if he was afraid to live in America, because everyone carries guns. Later in the week, somehow gun rights came up in my class. A student asked if I had guns, and of course I told them yes, but I explained licensing for ownership, and hunting licenses, and a license to carry a concealed weapon. This seemed to shed some light, as I guess many of them thought Americans just totted around shotguns on grocery trips, and family outings, and anywhere else we mystical foreigners go. Little did I know, the needless destruction of Santa’s sleigh would only be the first time that night my jaw would drop in utter disbelief.

… And then she he spoke

There was a little drummer boy, an all girl ballet troupe, a Chinese opera singer, a choir, multiple art auctions, and a whole lot of lip syncing. Then it happened. The lights began to dim further, all the people from the back began to crowd the front, and a picture of a seemingly very traditionally dressed Chinese singer was projected on the big screen as a 5 minute prerecorded introduction in Chinese blared through the banquet hall. The music began to play and she appeared. Her hair and dress were beautiful; her face was painted white, and her grace was unmatched. I half watched, and half took the opportunity to eat while my obnoxious table mates were preoccupied. People were staring in awe as the singing continued, and finally it ended as she took a bow. The announcer came onto the stage and asked a question… to which HE responded. I shot up out of my chair as my jaw, once again, dropped to the floor.

Yes, the headliner for the catholic Jinde Charities 7th Charity Christmas Party was a drag queen.

I erupted in hysterical laughter as the Chinese people at my table stared at me in confusion. I don’t know if maybe they included this information in the introduction but it was definitely news to me. She did three performances, and I got some footage of the second and third.

On being an elf

So far James had not called on us to do anything, and I thought maybe we had lucked our way out but I was wrong. Soon James appeared to inform max and me that the director did not need us to mc or help with raffle, but instead to be Tyler’s “elves”. That’s right, I was Tyler’s “little helper”. Anyway, in America I probably would have been fine carrying a red sack full of cloth shopping bags (the gifts), but once again, I’m in china. The second Max, Tyler, and I turn around we are flocked by Chinese adults, not even children, with their hands out palms up, staring at us. Our instructions were to go around to the tables to hand things out, and this group of people was very insistent they were not going to move (all for a shopping bag?) And finally one of the organizers came to our aid as she waived them off and followed us around the banquet hall staving off other drunken adults. Tyler and Max got wrangled into a ton of pictures, but I think as “the angry one”, most Chinese people are too afraid to take a picture. Really people, I’m not permanently pissed off that’s just what I look like.

So from here on I am sure I will not be afraid of the Christmas parties people have been talking about. It seems bad at first, sitting with a bunch of insistent people who speak no English but wish to use you to improve their “face”, but in the end you come away with memories you will never forget. I think sometimes we forget that the journey is just as important as the destination.